Trying to Convince

“I just don’t understand why you keep antagonising yourself!” I screamed. I was so frustrated. She keeps on claiming that she is an antagonist in the lives of people she meets. When in truth…it is quite the opposite.

But she will soon be the antagonist if she does not fucking stop degrading herself as one!

“I think antagonists are cool.” She replied calmly. Can she not feel my rage seeping through my skin?!

“So you are antagonising yourself because you want to be cool?!!?” I said. I was trying my best not to reach into her brain and pull out those nasty thoughts from it.

“You do know I just said that statement about antagonist being cool randomly right?” She stated simply, walking towards a chair in the middle of the room and sat down. “And I’m not antagonising myself, as I’ve told you so many times. I’m just simply stating a fact about myself.” She shrugged.

Why. Please explain to me why you don’t see it. Why do you blind yourself from the truth. The truth stating that you are a good person.

“What you are saying is nothing more than a lie that you tell yourself for god knows what reasons you have.” I said. I walked over to where she was sitting and sat on the floor in front of her. “You are not an egocentric person. You are not an unfriendly person. And most definitely you are not a bad person.”

“Why do you speak with such certainty? You don’t know me that well yet you know.”

“I know you enough to say that statement with certainty.”

She heaved a heavy sigh. “Thats what you say most of the time to convince me. The question is, how do you know if something is enough?”

I looked at her in the eyes and personally it was hard to. I always had a hard time looking at her in the eyes. Before, whenever I can’t look into those mesmerising eyes without saying every thought that is crossing my mind at that exact moment.

But I’ve learned to hold myself back. I needed to learn.

“You’ll know when its enough when you’ve felt the lacking part already.” I told her calmly. I would have reached out to take her hand and put it between mine but…I know she wouldn’t want me to.

There was a long silence of us just staring at each other. It wasn’t awkward for some reason. I guess we were just waiting.

“I’m not changing my mind. If thats what you are trying to say telepathically.” I said, cracking a smile. 

“Well…it was worth a shot.” She said, smiling a little bit as well. The air around us shifted and it wasn’t so tense anymore.

“You do know I’m not going to give up trying to convince you that you are a good person…right?” I said, shifting to a kneeling position so I could playfully punch her shoulder.

“Yeah. I know.” She said.

She smiled a challenging smile at me.

Just Stay

It surprises me how I survive everyday.

How I’m able to still think…clearly.

How I’m able to talk to you in a way you won’t suspect.

It surprises me how I haven’t burst from what I’ve been feeling.

 

You will never know that it is you.

That’s for sure.

I want to keep the friendship.

I want to keep the burden of knowing away from you.

 

But if you do find out

Because perhaps I drank too much the last night

or because you might have heard it somewhere

or you just simply…finally saw through my walls

Please don’t go away. Please just stay.

I’m not looking for anything more.

I just want to keep you in my life.

 

So please…stay.

Defining

I hate being defined by anything that has been written done in history.

Just because my Family name is known in the world of Classical Music does not give my family the right to force me into playing an instrument I do not want to play.

Just because my name means “Blind” does not mean I’ll figuratively be blind to everything around me (So what if I’m oblivious when it comes to love?)

Just because when I was a kid I was like this does not mean I have to grow up like that.

Just because my friends are like this I am like them.

 

I am going to be defined by who I am.

Who I am at this particular moment.

Because let’s face it, we all change, whether physical or mental or emotional

We change.

And who is going to define me.

Well…Its not going to be my past.

Nor my family name

Nor my own name.

But I’m going to define myself.

I’ll make my own name.

Unknown Visit

All my life, you’ve been there for me. Whenever I cry…you were there to listen. Whenever I’m happy, you were there to be happy with me. Sure we had some rough times but we got over them.

Do you remember when we first met? We were in First year High school. I was on my way out of my classroom when we bumped into each other. I accidentally dropped my math and science book. You muttered an apology and helped me pick up my two books. You handed me my math book and smiled at me. I smiled back. I introduced myself and you introduced yourself saying your name was Leo.

Just because of two books that fell to the floor, we became friends.

I remember those days when we used to laugh so hard we start to cry. No one got our jokes, which was fine with the both of us. It was like our own little secret.

I also remember those days when we fought. The one that stood out the most was because of a stupid rumor. That one fight nearly broke our friendship, and I’m sorry for even believing in that rumor. I’m sorry.

Remember the day we graduated from High School? While everyone was crying we were the only people rejoicing because there was no more High school? Everyone looked at us like we were crazy. But they didn’t know, they didn’t know we were going to be block mates.

But I never knew. I never knew there was a racing car behind me when I slowed down my car on the drive way to make a left turn. I didn’t hear it honking at me to move. I didn’t see its headlights flashing…until it was all too late.

It’s funny you know, how I am here and all you are doing is eating Ice cream to drown your sorrows. While I’m here talking to you, you are just there, watching television to distract you from the pain.

It’s funny how I died on my way to a friend’s house.

It’s funny how I died on the day of your Birthday.

Time

Time is reality.

It’s a countdown to the end of the day

To the end of the month

To the end of the year.

 

It is a countdown to the deadlines we have to meet

To the days we have to remember

To the days we have to forget

To the days that are our last.

 

It is not an illusion as people say it is.

It is as real as the strands of your hair.

As tangible as the pencil that you hold.

It is as frightening as The Hooded One as well.

 

For do you not think they are one in the same?

The Four Corners of a Room

The four corners of a room

Is not at all what they seem to be.

They seem to be just corners of nothing

But in reality, they are the corners of us.

 

Corner one is gray and dusty.

Cobwebs on the ceiling,

Shreds of paper floating.

This is the corner where memories are left to be.

 

Corner two is white and clean.

Not a speck of dust can be felt.

But look closer and tell me what you feel.

The ache your heart gets from pretending.

 

Corner three will forever bask in the smell of blood.

The harsh cold air will slice your skin.

Under your bare feet, the shards of mirrors.

This is for those who have wandered down the darkest of paths.

 

And last would be Corner four.

The simplest yet most complicated.

Corner four is a mirror.

And in that mirror you see what you truly feel.