Entry #3

I still want to die.

I don’t think that will ever change

And that pisses me off so fucking much

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A Letter To You

I’m terrified.

What are we? We’ve past friendship thats for sure. But I don’t look at you as a lover. Definitely not as a lover. Though I love you more than anything and anyone. I really do. I love you the most my love. But thats beside my point. Again, what are we? I’m terrified that we don’t know what we are. I don’t know why I’m terrified, i guess its because there’s a voice at the back of my head pushing me to find out.

But I don’t know where to start.

I’m scared too.

I’m so dependent on you. I’m a seed and you are my water. I’m book page and you are the letters, the words, the story. I am nothing without you. You…you are my whole reason for existence. To be perfectly honest, without you I would have long been dead by now. But…you keep me hanging. And me, being who I am, cling to you. You are my rope after all.

Did you know whenever we don’t talk I feel like crying? I feel so lost and scared and…just…I don’t know. I feel as if I could die right there and I wouldn’t give a shit. Did you know every second away from you hurts me so much? It’s not even emotional pain anymore…its physical too. Did you know that I think about you all the time? Even when I’m taking my exams I’m thinking about you! I think about whether or not you’ve eaten enough for today, whether or not you are having fun, whether or not you would laugh at this joke I just heard, whether or not you miss me too.

You see how dependent I am of you? I’m scared because what if you realise that I’m fucked up and you leave me. But…I trust you not to. I don’t know whether that sort of trust is naive or what but…I trust you. But I’m still scared.

But despite all this…I still love you with my whole heart and soul. I love you. No matter what. I love you my old boy. I love you.