Close to Midnight Thoughts

These are my thoughts when it is close to midnight

  1. You say we’re drifting. I agree, we are. And I’ll be damned, I’ll do everything in my power to make it stop. I will cling to you. Like how some animals cling to the trunks of trees.
  2. I really want coffee right now
  3. I also want you by my side right now. I want to hold your hand, lean on your shoulder, kiss your forehead, then your cheek then your lips.
  4. Oh god your lips.
  5. I have a lot of homework. Maybe I should start them tomorrow.
  6. I should go to sleep now. I am sleep deprived so I really have to sleep
  7. Your hands tracing up and down my spine.
  8. Your lips on my neck
  9. Oh god I’m in it neck deep
  10. I don’t want to lose you. Please stay with me
  11. Your smile. That’s why I look through your pictures, because I see you smiling in them and they make me happy
  12. I love your smile, it makes my heart race
  13. So does your laugh; that makes my heart race too.
  14. I love you; I love you so much.
  15. God damn it why cant I write songs as easily as others can?! I want to write a song for you now
  16. I miss you.
  17. I wonder what people’s reactions would be when I die this early? Would they care?
  18. I sometimes think dying is easier. Than this right now. Its hard to live with them.
  19. I really, really need a smoke right now
  20. No, you have to quit smoking. You have to stop
  21. I really do love you.
  22. I wonder what would sushi and bacon taste like together? I bet it would taste great.
  23. “Dying ain’t so bad. Not if we both go together”
  24. I can’t wait till I see you again
  25. I’m scared.
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Favour

I want to ask you a favour.
Even though I am positively sure you will say no
I still want to try to ask you this favour.
Who knows, you might allow me this time.
I want to ask you
If tonight, I can be idiotic.
I want to be an Idiot,
an Idiotic loser
that can’t stop himself from being an idiotic loser
What I want for tonight is my head throbbing
and the pain in my growling stomach
to not stop.
To go on even as I fall asleep
Without the assurance that I will wake up tomorrow.
What I want for tonight is a trail of blood
running down my arms
dripping to the bathroom tiles
and the blade in my other hand covered in red.
What I want for tonight is to fall asleep knowing I won’t wake up tomorrow.
Because honestly,
Whats there to look forward to now?
/Everyone wants to die. Its so fucking obvious. Why not join them/
Just as Bonnie Parker said in her poem,
“Dying ain’t so bad.
Not if we both go together…”
Dying is not so bad
when you die with the people you love.
So now I’m going to join the club.
I’ll stop fighting.
I’ll stop trying.
I’ll just give up.

That’s my favour.
Please allow me to give up.

Moments With You

The thing about a moment is that it never lasts forever.

Not even if you say that it will last forever in your memories.

Memories are just delusions.

A past.

Something that has happened and it can never be repeated in real life.

Thats the thing about moments.

Thats why you should treasure it.

My moments with you are like books.

Not diamonds, because I do not cherish gems.

But books, because I hold them as delicately as I can

and read them as often as time may permit.

My moments with you are like books.

Filled to the brim with emotion and words that can not be said.

Moments with you are unspoken words. Because my heart beats does all the talking. (Just listen to it I’m sure you’ll be amused).

Moments with you…

I don’t know.

Words can not explain what I feel when I’m with you.

You can not possibly understand the rush of adrenaline and anxiety,

sudden burst of happiness and fear

When I see you.

Moments with you are like books.

I cradle each one with care.

Moments with you

are what I cherish.

Moments with you

are the playlist of my mind.

3 Things You Should Know Before You Love Me

One,

I’m unstable.

I’m a table balancing its weight on just 3 legs.

I have no clue how to balance without holding onto someone’s hand.

I need their hand, their arm, their shoulder.

I basically need them.

Without someone I will stumble.

I need help.

Always.

Two.

I’m a mess.

And not of the good kind.

I am a scattered, broken deck of cards.

Each one has either a tear or a fold.

All are scattered in the river of chaos.

I am chaos without any organisation.

If you try to put me in order,

If you try to fix me,

Let me tell you now:

Its a lost cause.

Because I have made a home in the messiness of my being.

I now belong to the ragged, messy drawing of a toddler.

Three.

I won’t believe you.

No matter how many times you’ll say it

There will always be this big part of me who won’t believe you.

Can you imagine? The person you love can’t believe you love them?

It’s painful.

And I’m going to do that to you if you love me.

I won’t believe you.

So.

Do you still want to love me?