Unsaid Thoughts

  • I see you happy with other people and it makes me think that I should just leave. Because I don’t make you happy. They do. Not me.
  •  I’ve had so many bad days that I don’t believe that I would have a good one anymore.
  • I think about you leaving me constantly. You’ll finally figure out that you deserve much more than me and you’ll leave. Just like my dream.
  • I’m lost. I’m tired too.
  • I don’t believe that you love me sometimes. I don’t know why. They’re telling me you don’t so I’m believing them i guess.
  • I cry at night for no reason at all.
  • I fall asleep knowing I’ll have bad dreams…but I don’t give a shit anymore.
  • I always think I disturb people. Thats what I was raised to think.
  • I am a disappointment. I know so. Its quite obvious really.
  • I just want to sleep forever really.
  • I cry during the day too.
  • I’ve given up…I think. I’m not making much of an effort anymore.
  • I’m broken already. I know. I’ve been for a while now.
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The Heartbeat of a Hopeless Dreamer

Cracking.

Breaking.

That is the sound of her heartbeat.

Each beat equals a new crevice.

And from it, blood pours out.

Blood that is supposed to reach the other parts of her body – it is supposed to make the other parts function properly…

But that’s not important.

Her blood isn’t important.

So let us watch as it pours out of her dying heart.

Her heart is crumbling to pieces.

Sharp shards it becomes.

So sharp that if someone tries to pice it back together they get hurt.

The heart that is crumbling is the heart of a hopeless dreamer

The owner of the heart — I see her right now — she’s sitting in the corner of her room, writing her letter to the world.

She’s calm as tears trace down her cheeks.

You won’t even hear her crying.

Shh.

Listen to the scratch of her pen on the paper.

Shh.

Listen to her crumbling hear.

It is still beating…isn’t it?

Softly.

So…softly.

So fragile.

You can barely hear it.

It is more shy than a whisper.

Listen to what it is saying.

“I am done.”

Entry #22

Tonight I feel sad.

I don’t think its because of the movies I watched (though they may have contributed)

Neither do I think its because my mom shouted insults and called me names again.

But I think its because I was never happy in the first place.

I just have lots of distractions.

Thats it.

Distractions

They’re my saviour.

But once they’re gone

And I’m alone with my thoughts

The darkness creeps in and fogs up my vision.

I’m blind; I can’t see.

And all I can do is cry I guess.

Just to cry.

If you see this I’m sorry. I know we are talking right now and I do hope I’m doing a good job hiding what I really feel. I hope you don’t see my tears behind my text messages. And if you see this please don’t mention it.

(I’m still going to be the strong one for the both of us. I promise.)

Reasons Why I Sleep

Why I sleep:

  • It’s a temporary escape from the world that I’m living in. From all the pain that i feel everyday. The pain that comes from nowhere.
  • I’m a masochist. I always have nightmares and a part of me looks forward to them when I sleep. Sometimes I would hope that I would literally get scared to death when I have them.
  • I’m tired. All the time. And I think of sleep as a sort of resting place I could stay in. I sometimes wish I could stay in it forever.

A Sort of Suicide Note.

To whoever is reading this,

This letter is a just in case letter.
A type of letter that is just for emergencies.
A letter that’s just for — in the case of — me leaving.
Me dead.

See, I’ve taken so many beatings lately that it is very hard for me to breathe now.
My ribs have collapsed on my lungs and my heart has been shattered too many times.
My lungs can’t expand as they used to.
My heart beats are irregular.
My hands shake.
My legs give up.

…I’m giving up.

I’m tired of all the beatings I’ve taken.
From strangers,
from my family,
from them,
from the universe.
I’m just incredibly tired
that I sleep early now
Not caring about the nightmares that I know will wake me up in the middle of the night.

I sleep early because for a moment,
just for a moment at least
I don’t feel any pain
Any lingering sadness
I don’t hear their screams of anger
I don’t listen to my thoughts of self hatred.

I do hate myself you know.
I really do.
I hate the way I am.
I’m an asshole.
I really am.

So there,
I’m just really, incredibly tired.
I want to sleep forever.
And this letter is an explanation for the people who do not understand why I left.

I hope its sufficient.

Sincerely,
Lia.