The Golden-Eyed Monster

 

Keep calm

I tell myself

Don’t tell her.

She doesn’t have to know.

I scream in my head.

She doesn’t have to know that a monster is rising at the pit of my stomach.

A monster with gold eyes and a muscular frame

A monster that for months I’ve been trying to keep caged at the dark pit of my heart.

 

It started when you talked about his hips and how you admire them so.

It’s petty I know.

But since when did jealousy not have a petty reason to rise out of its ashes?

It rises up out of nowhere.

Rawring

Clawing

And rawring

Clawing.

It started when you talked about his graceful hips.

The monster stared breaking the bars.

 

The next thing that happened was when she kissed your forehead.

“A kiss on the forehead means protection” they say.

I’m the only one who has the fucking right to protect you.

…I’m the only who should.

I hugged you tight then, in front of her, so she would know you were mine to protect and love.

I sound possessive I know.

And I don’t own you.

But you are the closest thing to love that my heart opened its doors to.

The next thing that happened was when she kissed your forehead.

The bars started deteriorating due to the monster’s breath.

 

The final straw was when he started tickling you.

I’m not stupid.

Tickling is a form of flirting (that’s why I tickle you sometimes)

You don’t notice though.

He’s flirting with you.

I asked if you wanted me to talk to him

Because I know you don’t like being tickled (You just tolerate mine)

You told me to calm down

That I sounded mad

…I am.

Because when he started tickling you the monster exploded out of its cage.

 

Don’t tell her.

Don’t show the monster.

I want her to know she can tell me anything.

I don’t want her to create a wall because I introduced her to one of my monsters.

I don’t want any walls from her.

 

I may be overreacting.

But jealousy is overreacting.

It is overthinking

It is unreasonable.

Catastrophic.

I know this first hand.

The first time I showed someone my golden-eyed monster she stayed away from me.

 

So instead I will let the monster eat my heart

And let it make me create oceans at night

 

~/~/~

 

if you see this and you want to talk about it then okay. I don’t know how to start the subject. ‘Im sorry if you see this too. Terribly sorry.

Box

I was looking through our box earlier.

And I started crying.

Because each of the promises you made to me,

promises about the future,

are slowly fading away.

Turning into the dust that coats the box.

The box is slowly emptying.

And all I can do now is fill it up with my tears.

After all, everything important in the box is fading,

better fill it up with the reasons why it is disappearing.

Another Random Letter To You

To you who has unknowingly stabbed my heart and ripped my soul multiple times;

There is a reason why I don’t tell you that you’ve cause me to bleed a waterfall of blood down the bathroom tiles

There is a reason why I let you constantly cause my eyes to produce the ocean’s water.

There is a reason why i don’t

…say anything.

It is because I don’t want you to think that you are a bad person.

You are not the villain in my life’s story.

You are my teacher that gives me stone-col lessons of life.

Yes, it makes me bleed.

Yes, it makes makes me cry.

But it makes me stronger too.

It builds my walls higher and my moat deeper.

That is, after all, what strength is.

…right?

To you who has unknowingly stabbed my heart and ripped my soul multiple times;

Please just know I have my limits.

My walls can only go so high till they reach the end of the night’s sky.

My moat can only go so deep till it reaches the pit of my soul.

You should know once I’ve reached my limit my soul dies away piece by piece.

And right now?

There is only enough to fill my cracked heart.

To you who has unknowingly stabbed my heart and ripped my soul multiple times;

I don’t tell you that you kill me slowly for one

Umbrella

reason only.

It is because I love you, my dear precious friend.

And no matter how many times you’ve knocked me down to make me stronger;

no matter how many times you’ve tested the limits of my broken soul

I still love you.