1/30/2016

To whoever is willing to listen to this story:

It was so worth it.

The planets aligned,

The stars were shining through the sun’s shine.

Everything was peaceful.

It was quiet.

It was only us and the feeling of happiness.

I felt so loved,

so trusted.

She gave me her heart,

I handed her mine.

We belong to each other.

And I couldn’t have asked for something better.

 

To whoever is listening:

It was worth it.

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Entry #30

The scary nights are back. I need your arms around me. I need you beside me. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel your steady breathing, your steady heart beat.

I just…need you.

Don’t leave me alone at night please.

I’m sorry: The Mantra

When I was a little kid

I was taught that I should always

Always

Say sorry for the wrong things I’ve done.

You broke someone’s toy?

Im sorry.

You accidentally hit another kid’s face?

Im sorry.

You hurt your sister?

Im sorry.

You disobeyed your mom?

Im sorry

You cried for not getting what you want?

Im sorry.

You said I love you to a girl?

Im so–

You get the picture.

 

It grew on me,

That word.

It became my mantra.

I would say it over and over again

If I think I did something wrong.

And even if i didn’t do anything wrong,

I would say sorry for being too truthful.

Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im —

…See?

Its my mantra.

 

It came to my attention recently that sorry doesn’t fix everything.

I used to think that word,

Even though it would take time,

Would heal things up.

But apparently…

it doesn’t.

And yet I can’t stop saying sorry.

I keep saying it still.

Even when they don’t accept it.

It has become the mantra of no meaning.

It has been said so many times that

It did lose its meaning.

To me anyway.

 

I think thats why I don’t forgive myself.

On anything.

Because my sorries to myself,

Mean nothing at all.

 

I am broken thing,

That a simple sorry can not fix.

Even if it is my own.

There Truth Is…

The truth is…

  1. I think I’m becoming more and more like my mom and that scares me.
  2. When you left I haven’t stopped crying about it. Even if I write stuff like I’m over it. Thats a load of bullcrap.
  3. I wonder if I’m being too selfish, that maybe I should leave so you can live a better life.
  4. People would be better off without me
  5. I’m not immune to pain.

The truth is I’m relapsing and I’m scared I’ll break my promise to you soon.