It feels like we are slipping away each day.
The truth is…
- I think I’m becoming more and more like my mom and that scares me.
- When you left I haven’t stopped crying about it. Even if I write stuff like I’m over it. Thats a load of bullcrap.
- I wonder if I’m being too selfish, that maybe I should leave so you can live a better life.
- People would be better off without me
- I’m not immune to pain.
The truth is I’m relapsing and I’m scared I’ll break my promise to you soon.
“It’s true what people say.” She said as she sat down on her bed. She pulled down her long sleeves down till the ends reached the palms of her hands. “That when people say it enough times to you, you start to believe them and it starts becoming true.”
And I just watched her look into her eyes.
She’s — I am – looking in a mirror.
“I’m becoming what they say I am.”
Tears sprang to my eyes.
“I hope you don’t stay long enough to see it.”
I know its not for the better that I failed.
But damn did I want to cry when I woke up today
because I realised that my last words to you were not “I love you”
“Sleep with me”
In my demanding voice
My demons are catching up again.
I’m so scared
Hello again. Yes, I’m writing to you.
I’m writing the things I can’t tell you even though I promised I’ll tell you everything.
I’m sorry I just can’t.
Because when I try to tell you I..I…
I’m just a coward okay?
I ear if i tell you how hurt I am right now you’ll leave because you’ll think its for the better.
I’m so scared and I don’t know who to turn to.
I’m so scared my love. So scared that if I show you my demons you’ll turn your back to me thinking that its your fault.
When its not.
I created my demons. I created them to follow me around and surround me everywhere I go.
I created them.
And I don’t have any control of them,
I’m sorry. This letter has no sense. I didn’t make it to be.
Just know that I love you.
Just know I’m trying.
Let me help you
I cried in a public place today.
All because I let myself fully imagine a future without you.
As i walked through the streets of my campus
I realised two things.
One, god is human.
Two, god wants me dead.
Im sure of it.
When I don’t talk to you
I feel as if my world is slowly crumbling.
I’m that dependent on you.
Like right now.
I’m not talking to you
And I’m crying.
Ever single day
I feel the backs of my eyes burn
I feel the lump on my throat
The muscles in my hands as I clench them
I shake my legs, trying to find comfort in the pattern that it makes.
Every single day
I feel the hot searing sting of what could have been.
I know I shouldn’t feel this pain but I can’t help it.
If you’ve been waiting for something
Aiming for that one childhood dream your whole life
And you didn’t get it…
You won’t be able to stop the waves of pain that washes over you every day.
You won’t be able to stop the nagging voice in your head
That puts you down even more.
You won’t be able to stop yourself from letting the tears fall.
I don’t believe in God.
But when I failed myself I screamed at Him.
I let my anger flow as I prayed to him.
I shouted another hateful word after the other.
My prayer became a string of cursed anger at a being I believed wasn’t there.
It was as if I was shouting into the mirror.
Because in reality I was just really shouting
I have become a blood red painting.
And my title is
What has now become.