Funerals

They’re my type of party.

I mean,

Who doesn’t love getting wasted because of a loss?

We do it all the time.

When we get a broken heart from the loss of a person.

When we get broken wrists from the loss of motivation.

Even as petty as losing a car to an accident

I mean…who cares about the person inside right?

You care more for the car you see as you pass by the highway and see an accident.

Don’t deny it, we all think of the car first before the person.

 

(Sigh)

 

Funerals.

My type of party

My favorite type of party

So when it is my time, to host this marvelous event

Here are some rules for those who want to attend my funeral.

 

Don’t wear black for mourning.

Wear it as if you are going to a formal black and white party!

Because what’s there to mourn about?

I’m finally free from the pains of this world.

Finally free from the cage that my parents locked me in for the longest time.

Don’t mourn because I’m finally free.

 

Make sure to drink.

It’s a party. Have fun!

Drinking is fun.

It makes you forget shit.

So this is my way of sharing my freedom with you.

So go ahead, drink till your livers erupt!

Drink till you feel as free as I am in that beautiful wooden bed that you put me in.

Drink to forget all your pains,

Drink.

 

Play my top 5 favorite songs.

First is “Broken Strings”

Second is “Gasoline”

Third is “All Those Pretty Lights”

Fourth is “Totally Fucked”

And lastly, the fifth, “Funerals”

And imagine me singing them by heart.

Imagine that I’m screaming at the top if my lungs trying to reach the high notes.

Imagine them as your lullabies to me as I sleep in the ocean of my freedom,

My last rule

When you see me there,

Say hi to me as if I were still in my body.

Laugh with me as if I were laughing too.

Smile at me before you leave.

Because I’m going to be there when you finally say you’re last words in front of my body.

 

When they finally carry my body down to be buried,

Don’t say goodbye.

Continue drinking.

Continue smiling.

Continue laughing.

Pretend you are in my party.

Would you cry in a party?

 

To everyone who remembered my rules…

Tell her please.

Tell her be happy for me.

Tell her…

Tell her to drink all the pains away.

To laugh when she sees my hideously made up face

To smile in amusement that I’m wearing a pink dress

And tell her this:

“You will always be my galaxy of stars, that’s where I am swimming right now. That’s my freedom. You. I’m swimming in your mind and heart. Don’t worry my belle. Just drink and have fun. Be happy. It’s a party.”

(Hi! This was inspired by Lukas Graham’s Song: Funeral)

 

 

 

 

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I love you.

You gave me my favorite toy when I was a kid,

That teddy bear,

Remember?

I used to hold it at night

When I go to sleep

To keep the bad monsters away

You know,

The monsters you told me to be wary of?

The monsters in my closet,

Under my bed,

Under the stairs,

Hidden in the dark.

But mom,

Why did you never tell me of the monsters in my head?

You never taught me how to protect myself from them.

Now they keep on haunting me,

They never leave me mom.

Never.

 

Dear Mom,

That hurt.

That belt hurt.

Those words that come out of your mouth hurt.

They all hurt.

Why are you hurting me?

I thought you loved me?

Didn’t you know that the monsters don’t like hurt?

They don’t like me getting hurt?

Did you know that?

Of course not.

You never listen.

 

Dear Mom,

It hurts.

But it is strangely satisfying.

To see my masterpiece on my skin

To see the glorious color of red dripping down my wrists.

It is strangely a wanting now,

To see red dripping down my neck…

My head.

After all,

I’m bleeding inside right now.

Because the monsters are fighting in me.

They are creating a war in my head that I don’t know how to stop them.

I don’t have the power to stop them.

So instead,

I distract myself.

With the red

And with the salt running down my face.

 

Dear Mom,

Remember when I told you I would listen to the radio in my head?

You would always tell me to go ahead and listen.

But you didn’t know it was them.

The monsters I mean.

I listen to them all the time now because of you

They tell me the truths,

In a repeated echo of your voice.

You’re worthless,

Selfish,

Ugly,

Fat,

Waste of space,

Disgrace,

Unwanted,

And worst of all

You know what they tell me?

Want to know what they tell me to do mom?

DIE.

 

Dear Mom,

I know now.

I have depression.

Yet you still can’t seem to grasp that mom.

You tell me that I’m not making an effort,

That I’m not doing anything to help myself,

That I’m not even trying.

But don’t you get it mom?

Having depression means that you are trying

And trying

And fucking trying

All the time

Yet it doesn’t seem enough.

I feel that I am the lack of enough!

I have these monsters,

That tell me to quit every single day,

But I am trying

I AM TRYING

Not to.

So why can’t you see that I am trying?

Why do you keep saying I’m not?

Why can’t you see I am fighting a losing battle

And actually winning

Since I am still fucking here?

Why can’t you understand?

 

Dear Mom,

Want to know a secret?

I never loved you.

What I do love,

Are the scars on my skin.

Because they are the reminders that I am a survivor.

You are a reminder

That I am never enough.

Start over

Lets start over.

Have a new slate,

wiped clean of any blood and tears.

Let me get to know you

as if we are strangers once more.

Let me get to know you

through baby’s eyes.

Let me get to know you

anew.

Let me get to know you.

 

Lets start over.

Start over.

Honestly?

Honestly?

I’m tired of thinking about you.

I’m tired of the constant memory of you

And how you used to be the only one to save me.

I’m tired of how part of the reason why the voices say what they say

Is because of you.

I fucking need to get my head together.

I need to be better for her.

Yet the memory of you makes the voices go

Tick tock

Tick tock

There’s the clock.

She’ll leave you too.

Better yet

Do the dance

Between death and you.

See what you’ve done to me?

You’ve turned me into a self-destructive time bomb.

I’m tired of the hurtful memories.

I’m tired of –

I’m tired.

 

Honestly?

I’m tired of feeling the isolation.

I’m tired of thinking you guys don’t want me to go with you.

I know that you don’t mean to.

I know you guys don’t mean to isolate me.

Or maybe I’m just overthinking?

I do that all the time.

I overthink as if I’m the one who is making the device that will either

End or start the war.

I’m tired of feeling alone when I’m with you guys.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m annoying.

 

 

Honestly?

Just fucking Honestly?

I’m so tired.

I’m so so tired.

Let me sleep,

For days in your arm my darling.

Let me sleep and listen to your wonderful heart beat.

Let me fall asleep to your singing,

Let me fall asleep with the thought that atleast someone loves me.

For I love you.

2.29.2016

“I wonder what would your High School self tell you now that you wear nail polish”

I know what she would say, “Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. What the fuck, Why are you still alive? We made a fucking plan. A plan you promised us you would keep. You promised us that you would stop hurting the people you love by stop being such a fucking burden and leaving this world. You promised us. How dare you be so selfish. What happened to being ‘I want to be a selfless person’ Fuck you. 

And now you’re with her? What the actual fuck. YOU ARE BURDENING HER CAN’T YOU SEE IT. Motherfucker how selfish can you be.

What the actual fuck.

You should be dead.”

 

“I bet she would say ‘What the fuck bro'”

Haha. Half true.

1/30/2016

To whoever is willing to listen to this story:

It was so worth it.

The planets aligned,

The stars were shining through the sun’s shine.

Everything was peaceful.

It was quiet.

It was only us and the feeling of happiness.

I felt so loved,

so trusted.

She gave me her heart,

I handed her mine.

We belong to each other.

And I couldn’t have asked for something better.

 

To whoever is listening:

It was worth it.

Entry #30

The scary nights are back. I need your arms around me. I need you beside me. I need to hear your voice. I need to feel your steady breathing, your steady heart beat.

I just…need you.

Don’t leave me alone at night please.