…This is the first time I lied to you.
And it feels so wrong.
But right now I’m just really scared.
I went over the line.
You’ll leave me any day now.
Just you wait and see.
And I know you’ll see this. And won’t bother putting a password on this
So here it is. I lied to you. My parents didn’t call me. I left because I got an attack.
I’m so scared you’ll leave me that I lied to you and hid from you.
Again this letter has no sense.
But neither does my mind.
You have set me on adventures I’ve never wanted to set on.
You have made me realise all the bad things, surprisingly never the good things.
What have I done to you to make you envelop me in blanket of despair and hopelessness?
I’m tired of crying.
I’m tired of being scared.
I’m just really tired.
A kid close to giving up
What are we? We’ve past friendship thats for sure. But I don’t look at you as a lover. Definitely not as a lover. Though I love you more than anything and anyone. I really do. I love you the most my love. But thats beside my point. Again, what are we? I’m terrified that we don’t know what we are. I don’t know why I’m terrified, i guess its because there’s a voice at the back of my head pushing me to find out.
But I don’t know where to start.
I’m scared too.
I’m so dependent on you. I’m a seed and you are my water. I’m book page and you are the letters, the words, the story. I am nothing without you. You…you are my whole reason for existence. To be perfectly honest, without you I would have long been dead by now. But…you keep me hanging. And me, being who I am, cling to you. You are my rope after all.
Did you know whenever we don’t talk I feel like crying? I feel so lost and scared and…just…I don’t know. I feel as if I could die right there and I wouldn’t give a shit. Did you know every second away from you hurts me so much? It’s not even emotional pain anymore…its physical too. Did you know that I think about you all the time? Even when I’m taking my exams I’m thinking about you! I think about whether or not you’ve eaten enough for today, whether or not you are having fun, whether or not you would laugh at this joke I just heard, whether or not you miss me too.
You see how dependent I am of you? I’m scared because what if you realise that I’m fucked up and you leave me. But…I trust you not to. I don’t know whether that sort of trust is naive or what but…I trust you. But I’m still scared.
But despite all this…I still love you with my whole heart and soul. I love you. No matter what. I love you my old boy. I love you.