Craving

I crave for human companionship.

No.

Not the companionship I know is running through your heads right now.

No. I am not talking about the human companionship where you think  you have found your other half.

Where you think that that

companionship

is imposible to live without.

I am not talking about that.

Neither am I talking about the human companionship where all you do is open your moths and blurt out random stories of how life is treating you nowadays.

Of how all the events of your life has come together to prepare you for this specific moment in time.

No.

Not that.

What I crave – What king of human companionship that I want – what I am looking for

is the kind wherein neither one opens their mouth to voice out their stories or their thoughts.

But to breathe.

Wherein neither one initiates any sort of movement or forms any obvious body language consciously.

Wherein all you do is just simply

be there

physically (not even required)

and mentally present.

Not saying a word or moving a muscle

nothing.

But the sound of sweet, comfortable silence.

All that is there is the presence of the mental bond between both of you

The bond that links you so closely to each other like how every poet connects the sun, moon and stars above.

The kind wherein you could be 100,279,568 miles apart and still

know what the other is thinking.

No.

This is not some sort of unnatural super power.

This is not some sort of psychic pull.

Neither is this something as cliché as love.

…Though in a way

it is

just not the love everyone wants.

This is something else

something

different

It is a bond, a connection, a rope tied tightly between best friends, siblings, possibly even strangers whose paths have yet to come across.

or not at all.

 

A bond that runs so deep between their should and heart that saying it runs through the centre of the earth, is deeper than the depth of a blackhole…would be an insult.

I want this human companionship.

I crave it.

A Letter To You Once More

Hello again. Yes, I’m writing to you.

Again.

I’m writing the things I can’t tell you even though I promised I’ll tell you everything.

I’m sorry I just can’t.

Because when I try to tell you I..I…

I’m just a coward okay?

I ear if i tell you how hurt I am right now you’ll leave because you’ll think its for the better.

I’m so scared and I don’t know who to turn to.

I’m so scared my love. So scared that if I show you my demons you’ll turn your back to me thinking that its your fault.

When its not.

Its mine.

I created my demons. I created them to follow me around and surround me everywhere I go.

I created them.

And I don’t have any control of them,

I’m sorry. This letter has no sense. I didn’t make it to be.

Just know that I love you.

And…

Just know I’m trying.

Entry #7

Let me help you

Reassurance

I’m the type of person who needs things to be repeated to them over and over again

You say things once to me? It won’t sink in, I tell you.

It won’t sink it.

What will happen is that i’ll ponder it over a while, then throw it out of my head.

Same goes if you only tell me twice

or thrice

It has to be a million times over.

Hey, i love you.

I don’t believe you.

I love you.

Um, no you don’t

I love you so so much

STOP LYING TO ME

But I love you, I really do

Shut. Up

It really takes time for her to see that I am telling the truth.

A  million times over she says?

I say a  billion.

But I don’t complain

Well you should.

But.

I don’t.

And i never could.

Because all the times I repeat something, I know the result will be worth more than gold.

You must understand.

I

She

Didn’t want to be like this.

But I am.

But she is.

And that’s not okay.

And that’s fine.

I’ll reassure her everyday.

Everyday?

Everyday. Starting now.

I love you.

Do Not Expect

To all parents:

Do not expect kids to not touch things when you tell them not to.

To all kids:

Do not expect parents to not be annoying.

To all students:

Do not expect that all the teachers you pass by down the hallways will say hi back,

They are too busy mopping about the latest test results.

To all teachers:

Do not expect your students to listen all the time;

Students are restless people.

To all older siblings:

Do not expect your younger brothers and sisters to listen to you;

They hate the idea that their age makes them the subordinate in the family.

To all younger siblings:

Do not expect your older brothers and sisters to not fight you over a stupid thing.

They are frustrated that you get all the attention.

To all the people who are lucky to be in a relationship:

Do not expect your partners to not get jealous.

We are all scared of other people taking away something that are ours.

To all the people who broke someone’s heart:

Do not expect for it to be easy.

Once you break someone’s heart, you will have to live with that constant reminder that you are the reason for someone’s pain.

To all the people who’s hearts got broken:

Do not expect it to be easy.

Once your heart gets broken you will have to continue living with a big ugly scar on your beating organ. And it will hurt, because your memories will rip that scar open just so you can bleed over and over again.

To all the people who have moved on:

Congratulations.

But do not expect that the memories won’t flash in your mind once in a while. They will. And you will feel a flash of pain; quick as a needle prick.

But you will still feel the lingering pain after a while; like a ghost hovering over you waiting for you to fall.

To all the people:

Do not expect.

Entry #6

I cried in a public place today.

All because I let myself fully imagine a future without you.

Entry #5

I miss how my feet dangled off the edge.

I miss the sharp blade cutting my skin.

I miss just all the things that make me feel as if Im getting what I deserve.

And what is that?

…Death.

Entry #4

We are both losers.

Ha. That makes me laugh.

But I guess I’m more of a loser than you.

5 Things to 5 People

1.  I have this feeling that you want to stay away from me but you don’t have the courage to. If you want to stay away, all you have to do is tell me and I’ll be the one to take a few steps back for you.

2. Nothing could hurt more than the time you said you doubted me. After all…it came from you.

3. Please stop blaming yourself for every fucking thing. It is not only frustrating but it worries me so much.

4. We aren’t talking anymore and thats sad. I just really hope this silence we are experiencing doesn’t end in a goodbye.

5. You can’t live like this anymore dear. You have to move on or else you’ll break your promise to her. And I know full well you don’t want that.